Happy Halloween!

Mr. Train Conductor

Our Butterfly Fairy

Sometimes...

A few months ago, the Bishop of my ward at church asked me to tell my story. This really scared me- because quite honestly there are things that you don't want to re-live, and things you don't want every person in the world to know. Yet, for more reasons than I could ever begin to explain, after many sleepless nights and teary days, I agreed.

A couple of weeks ago, I shared my story with my ward- now everyone knows my history- which was at first a scary thing- but then I realized several things- First, maybe finally getting it off my chest would in some ways "free" me- Second, that healing only takes place when you quit hiding, and Third that sometimes scary things are what we need the most.

I found a song recently- quite by coincidence- (you can listen Here or Here) that seemed to describe pretty much my situation. The lyrics are as follows:

She gets the kids off to school

Off to work she flies

She stops for gas

Short on cash

Cards all maxed

She cries

She digs the change out of her purse

Chorus:

She never thought she'd be

A single mom at twenty-three

She don't know if she can

But she's gonna be

Tougher than a man

Out on the steps
Baseball bat
Dad's old hat
He waits
She watches him through the screen
Half past three
He's late
The cell phone rings
And she already knows
Another Saturday, huh
And he ain't gonna show

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

She walks outside
Let's him down
Picks him right back up
She grabs his glove
And says, "Batter up"

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

I grew up watching my Grandfather do amazing things- because, despite all of his limitations, he did what had to be done. So for my honest confession this week- I am a Mom, I am a Student, I am stubborn, I am a lot of things- and I am also not a lot of things- I am not super mom, I am not a genius- and you see I am not all that tough- I cry, I wish for things, I miss having an adult to talk to, I have hopes and dreams. I am a Mom who feels guilty for missing every field trip, and for only seeing my kids a couple of hours a day.

I have a shield of armor that manages to block out everything I want the most- because honestly- I am scared 90% of the time, and wonder if happily ever after was just not something meant for me. Now, this does two things- one- it pushes away the one thing that I really need, and two- it gives me some bizarre sense of protection. And for one reason or another, I have learned that if I lead people to believe that I have everything under control and that everything is fine I can get through the day. (Don't worry everything really is ok ;) )

Essentially it all boils down to taking life one day at a time- one step at a time, and learning to live with what you have. Where you hope and pray that someday- you can be everything you want to be, and have the life you dreamed you would.

One of the biggest things I have learned, is that while I am fully capable of being a single parent- I know with out a shadow of a doubt that a family is designed to consist of a Father and a Mother- because no one is able to fully play both roles.

First Day of School

(Caleb has this new thing where he wont hold still and just smile for the camera...sigh...)

Its Tradition!

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

Smile...

There comes a time when simple things make you smile. Here are a few of my favorites...

(Thanks to Bro. Lee, the "Sexy Road" sign always makes me smile)

Ohana

This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, but still good. Yeah, still good.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Yesterday was Caleb's 4th Birthday- I don't know where time has gone. Due to summer school, we celebrated a day early. Here are some pics!

I know! Its the Holy Ghost!!!! (His guess what the present was)

Thanks Grandma & Grandpa for helping make today so special! Thanks Uncle Peeps & Aunt Myla, Riley & Oscar for coming to his party! We love you guys!

Happy Birthday Baby Boy! I don't know where the time has gone! I sure love you and am proud of the happy- delightful- slightly devilish little boy you have become!

Country Roads Take me Home...

To the place, Where I belong...

I may live in the city- and actually I find that I am falling in love with the city. However, after this semester I was finding myself quite burnt out- I was tired- I was grumpy, and well lets just say quitting school was looking like a very tempting offer.

Then the semester ended- and as I drove home to see the kiddos and my parents, I was amazed at the magic that certain things have- such as fields and various irrigation lines....This isn't a picture I took- but I saw sevral examples of this on my drive home today.
I remember the summer I learned, from my country living- tractor driving boyfriend, that these were not just sprinklers. I think it was quite embarrassing to him that i called all irrigation methods sprinklers :) (I did it mainly to bug him...but he doesn't know that) So now whenever I see a wheel line, hand line or pivot- I can't help but smile.

Anyway- there is something about going home that refreshes me. Something about these irrigation lines, and the green fields, the smell of cow (which wasn't too strong this time) and the constant wind that rejuvenates me and helps me feel like I am ready to conquer the world- or at least summer semester.

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

You may notice that I am not the type to send a lot of emails (ok so if you get one a year...you are pretty lucky) or send out post cards at Christmas, or write letters- ok lets face it I am the worlds worst friend when it comes to keeping in contact with you all. But- I do silently stalk each of your blogs- and love checking in with you. I always have such good intentions to write- but somehow my mind turns to jelly before the send button gets hit- well lets face it- before the "new message" button gets hit and alas...you see my predicament. So- the point of this being to let you all know that we love you and miss you- and I am sorry I am horrible at keeping in contact- we are still alive...and I know you are too- remember the whole silent blog stalking? So- don't misinterpret my utter lack of communication (and to think I am going to become a Speech/Language therapist and I am horrible at facilitating communication) abilities as snooty-ness or stuck-up-ed-ness or that I don't like you- because that just isn't true.

Sincerely.

Me

P.S. For those of you in the Ward/Court reading this- I am like 800% Introverted as well...sorry :)

Look what I can do!

Last Sunday Caleb surprised me when we were out drawing with chalk. He pickup a piece- and this is what he drew:

"C A L E B"

Over the past week he has continued practicing his name. He is getting better and better. I am amazed everyday by this little boy.

Caleb is such a good friend- his Day-care teacher told me he has positive interactions with every child in his class- he has a best friend named Steven who is in his class. They are very cute together. Caleb is very good at sharing his toys. He is really enjoying books- and surprises us sometimes by reading (or identifying) words on some of the pages. Caleb is determined and does things his way in his own time.

He is very funny and sweet. The other day while playing with people and cars he said, "The daddies drive, and their sweeties sit next to them" Caleb wants to be a daddy when he grows up. Right now everything in our house is about Caleb being a daddy and having lots of babies at his house. A few nights ago when we went out to eat he said, "I sure wish we could have a baby at our house." I have never seen a little boy love babies as much as Caleb does.

Caleb love trains, trucks, firetrucks, tractors, and bikes. He loves to play outside- and pretending to be a pirate. He loves to help and pester his sister- he has started copying what she says within the past week. Caleb calls Grandma's house Idaho and our house Utah. He has also started calling out "snug-bug" and then will call out at least 3 colors- usually it isn't really a slug bug- but he enjoys it!

Caleb's favorite things to eat are: chocolate, strawberries, grapes, and vegetables. His favorite books are Llama LLama Red Pajama & Llama Llama Mad at Momma. He enjoys sitting by his sister and listening to her read. Caleb is always full of funny stories and explanations on how things work. He always can make you smile with his little anecdotes. He is a one of a kind original!!

Spring is Here!

Or at least half of the time it is.

We have really been enjoying playing outside when the sun is out and the snowflakes are hiding. I do believe spring is somewhere close!!

Caleb always finds a way to have a trailer on all of his bikes. This is his invention for the day- Thank you Light-saber! Emily was having a great time drawing with 3-D Chalk (thanks Aunt Lisa)- We all covered the entire sidewalk by our apartment.

Spring Break

This year Emily's Spring break was not the same as the U's so we stayed home for spring break and took a few little "Day Trips" when the weather was favorable.The kids both had a lot of fun playing together in their bedrooms. Here they are both tying out the toy basket as a chair.


We went to the aquarium to see all of the fish. They both really enjoy the aquarium- and next time we will even get to see the penguins!

Easter Pics

Add a Husband

According to the new family search, I can now officially add/find a husband! Who would have thought that this program was capable of matchmaking?! HOORAY!

Fast/Slow Sunday

We are sitting at home and Emily said, "Mom! My hair is still wet. Oh yeah- its Fast Sunday, no wonder its still wet..."

Emily's Patriotic Concert

Today was Em's patriotic concert at school. The kids were all asked to dress in red white and blue. They sang, "You're a Grand Old Flag," "Yankee Doodle," "America the Beautiful" "God Bless the USA," and "God Bless America."

Emily's Part in the program was, "Every state has its own flag, flower, and bird.

Emily & her teacher Miss Mary

They were holding hands skipping down the hall.

Poor Boy

Caleb has been sick- this was how he spent quite a bit of the day on Thursday.