Sometimes...

A few months ago, the Bishop of my ward at church asked me to tell my story. This really scared me- because quite honestly there are things that you don't want to re-live, and things you don't want every person in the world to know. Yet, for more reasons than I could ever begin to explain, after many sleepless nights and teary days, I agreed.

A couple of weeks ago, I shared my story with my ward- now everyone knows my history- which was at first a scary thing- but then I realized several things- First, maybe finally getting it off my chest would in some ways "free" me- Second, that healing only takes place when you quit hiding, and Third that sometimes scary things are what we need the most.

I found a song recently- quite by coincidence- (you can listen Here or Here) that seemed to describe pretty much my situation. The lyrics are as follows:

She gets the kids off to school

Off to work she flies

She stops for gas

Short on cash

Cards all maxed

She cries

She digs the change out of her purse

Chorus:

She never thought she'd be

A single mom at twenty-three

She don't know if she can

But she's gonna be

Tougher than a man

Out on the steps
Baseball bat
Dad's old hat
He waits
She watches him through the screen
Half past three
He's late
The cell phone rings
And she already knows
Another Saturday, huh
And he ain't gonna show

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

She walks outside
Let's him down
Picks him right back up
She grabs his glove
And says, "Batter up"

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

I grew up watching my Grandfather do amazing things- because, despite all of his limitations, he did what had to be done. So for my honest confession this week- I am a Mom, I am a Student, I am stubborn, I am a lot of things- and I am also not a lot of things- I am not super mom, I am not a genius- and you see I am not all that tough- I cry, I wish for things, I miss having an adult to talk to, I have hopes and dreams. I am a Mom who feels guilty for missing every field trip, and for only seeing my kids a couple of hours a day.

I have a shield of armor that manages to block out everything I want the most- because honestly- I am scared 90% of the time, and wonder if happily ever after was just not something meant for me. Now, this does two things- one- it pushes away the one thing that I really need, and two- it gives me some bizarre sense of protection. And for one reason or another, I have learned that if I lead people to believe that I have everything under control and that everything is fine I can get through the day. (Don't worry everything really is ok ;) )

Essentially it all boils down to taking life one day at a time- one step at a time, and learning to live with what you have. Where you hope and pray that someday- you can be everything you want to be, and have the life you dreamed you would.

One of the biggest things I have learned, is that while I am fully capable of being a single parent- I know with out a shadow of a doubt that a family is designed to consist of a Father and a Mother- because no one is able to fully play both roles.